cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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