First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
