I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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