You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
