I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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