I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
