I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
