I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
