saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
