A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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