I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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