How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
