god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
