I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This house was built for laser tag.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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