whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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