she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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