New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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