whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
