is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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