Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
