At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
