I accidentally had phone sex last night
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
