areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm passing your future prison.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
