my mouth tastes like poor choices
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
