no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
