I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
