Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
