And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
