oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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