moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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