I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
