either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
