Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
