i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
