Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
