I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just threw up on my dentist
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
