I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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