Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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