ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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