ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
