I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
