that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
