His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Enjoy the penises
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
