Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
