What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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