My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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