I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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