Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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