I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
