i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
