Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
