she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
