The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
